Sunday, July 01, 2007

LiPhone Released Today!

(EX) - Radio Free America and the Right Honorable Mrs. Alberto Gonzzzalessssa Rice today announced the release of the LiPhone. Rumors had existed for years about the existence of the LiPhone, but until today's release, no one in the government would speak on the record. Executive Privilege and Presidential Counseling concerns were cited. The LiPhone is a joint venture between DARPA (the folks that brought you both The Internet and the Total Information Awareness program,) Marta Stewurd's Omnipresent Media, communications giant XXXXX. and the popular computer and electronics-maker, XXXXX.

Every American will be given the "opportunity" to purchase a LiPhone, in the color of their choice. (As long as it's black, white or gray.) Sales are reported to be "tapping right along", stated Scooter, the anonymous spokesman.

© 2007 The Eleventy O'Clock News

There's Absolutely No Evidence

(EX) - There's absolutely no evidence that U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney met via SecurePast™* link with Gengis Khan, 13th century Mongolian lawyer....er, warrior last weekend in Rawlins, Wyoming.

When contacted, Cheney's office declined to confirm or deny reports that Dick is a decendent of Khan's son Tushi. He also vigorously denied that he's an Ass, but knowledgable sources say that's a matter of public record.

© 2007 The Eleventy O'Clock News

*SecurePast™ is an unregistered trademark of the All Spy All The Time Network™, brought to you by DARPA, the folks who brought you the Total Information Awareness Program. Or not. It's hard to tell, since it's a secret, and is protected via Vice Presidential fiat.

The Orange Shoes of Paris

It isn't just about the blonde socialite, it's about us, and our judicial system, and our love/hatred for royalty and privilege, and that's what makes it all so delicious.

I'm talking about Paris Hilton, of course, and the lovely romp we've had through the ins and outs of California's revolving incarceration door this week.

In any other town, the sheriff would lose his job - in LA, he might not, because after all, he gives perferential treatment to celebrities, and this is a town of celebrity. In any other state, the sheriff wouldn't have had the authority to reduce a sentence like that without first going back to the judge.

The sheriff of Maricopa County (Phoenix) is dying to get his hands on Hilton, so he can stick her in one of his desert inmate tents and get her skinny butt on a chain gang. He's proud of the fact that he's got the only female chain gang in the nation. This guy's ballsy, and always has been. He's also an attention whore of an entirely different kind.

I'm sure there's some sort of commentary to be made about the styles of the 2 sheriffs. One in the glitterati-West, and one in the desert-baked-my-brain-West. Oh! that gives me an idea.... *

Why do we focus on such trivial shit? Because we get to trash a rich, empty-headed young woman who's known nothing but privilege her whole life. (And yet, she managed to earn $7 million in the last year, much of it from fees she charges to attend all those parties, and pose for all those photos.) I think it appeals to the proletariat in us all. Deep down, we believe that everyone in this country is equal, and we resent when someone sets themself up as royalty, and when our fellows allow them to do it.

Salon really trashes the whole story here. Not the best Salon story I've ever read, but it does show the photo of Paris being driven to court, hysterical. The reason that's interesting, is because of who the photographer is: Nick Ut. He took another very famous photo of a hysterical young girl on June 8 - 35 years ago. You'll see which one I mean on this page.

There, perhaps, is the best commentary of all. The contrast between Phan Thi Kim Phuc, and her fight for freedom (she later defected from communist North Viet Nam to Canada,) and Paris Hilton and her fight for freedom.

Maybe the judge should sentence Paris to spend her time in prison reading about Phan and the entire Viet Nam war - a whole different kind of reality show.

June 9, 2007

Image by Ned Mudd, "The Orange Shoes of Paris"

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Sippy Cup Attack!

All airports beware! Tots & moms are attacking our nation's airports with sippy cup spills! There's water on the floor everywhere! Terrorists have infiltrated the Secret Service, and are creating secret baby sleeper cells by impregnating their mothers, and causing them to crazily spill water on the floor in defiance of our anti-terrorism laws!

ARLINGTON, Va. (AP) - The U.S. Transportation Security Administration is taking the unusual step of posting security camera footage on its website.

It comes as the administration denies allegations an airport screener seized a toddler's cup and mistreated his mother.

At issue is whether Monica Emmerson, a former Secret Service officer, was improperly detained June 11 after she spilled water out of her child's cup at Washington's Reagan National Airport.

Myth! cries the TSA. Here are the videos for you to view for yourself. Let me know... dial up precludes me from seeing them in this lifetime.

Now, I'm not dissing the TSA completely. The mom was probably pissed - after all, she was travelling with a toddler. That's enough to make anyone a bit nutso. I wouldn't vouch for the rationality of any mother in that situation.

But come on.

We let TB patients with big red warning screens that say to isolate & detain ("but he didn't look sick!") through our borders, but we don't let moms with crying toddlers and sippy cups of water through security checkpoints?

Have we become a nation of idiots who don't know when and how to use common sense?

I am the face of TSA.

I use innovation, my experience, and state-of-the-art technology to protect the traveling public.

I respect the individual needs of each traveler, carrying out my duties with dignity, courtesy and integrity.

I am intensely committed to ensuring fair treatment in the screening process.

I am the frontline of defense, drawing on my imagination to creatively protect America from harm.

I am a Transportation Security Officer.

*Image and credo from the TSA website.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Half a brain is better than none

The operation known as hemispherectomy—where half the brain is removed—sounds too radical to ever consider, much less perform. In the last century, however, surgeons have performed it hundreds of times for disorders uncontrollable in any other way. Unbelievably, the surgery has no apparent effect on personality or memory.

The first known hemispherectomy was performed on a dog in 1888 by German physiologist Friedrich Goltz. In humans, neurosurgeon Walter Dandy pioneered the operation at Johns Hopkins University in 1923 on a brain tumor patient. (That man lived for more than three years before ultimately succumbing to cancer.) The procedure is among the most drastic kinds of brain surgery—"You can't take more than half. If you take the whole thing, you've got a problem," Johns Hopkins neurologist John Freeman quips.

Scientific American 

Saturday, December 30, 2006

As Old As Satan's Nostrils

I'm no Bush Administration fan. The following story is very easy to believe for BA opponents - at first. But don't let hysterical journalism overcome your common sense, or your own ability to check facts. Perpetuating urban myths, even when they make good drama isn't the smart way to fight those who would argue that Yellowstone's geysers are Satan's own nostrils*. Or that the Grand Canyon was created by the flood popularized by the Noah's Ark story from the Bible.

From 12/30/06 from the Huffington Post

Due to pressure from Bush Administration officials, the National Park Service is not permitted to give an official age for the Grand Canyon. Additionally, a book claiming the Grand Canyon was created by Noah's flood is for sale at the National Park's bookstore.

The sale of Grand Canyon: A Different View was scheduled for review over three years ago, but no such review has been schedule or even requested. The creationist book was the only item approved for sale in 2003 (22 other items were rejected).

From 12/28/06 from the PEER Website

HOW OLD IS THE GRAND CANYON? PARK SERVICE WON'T SAY — Orders to Cater to Creationists Makes National Park Agnostic on Geology

Washington, DC — Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees. Despite promising a prompt review of its approval for a book claiming the Grand Canyon was created by Noah's flood rather than by geologic forces, more than three years later no review has ever been done and the book remains on sale at the park, according to documents released today by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER).

"In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology," stated PEER Executive Director Jeff Ruch. "It is disconcerting that the official position of a national park as to the geologic age of the Grand Canyon is 'no comment.'"

more

Makes a great story, eh whot? Unfortunately...

How old is the Canyon?

That's a tricky question. Although rocks exposed in the walls of the canyon are geologically quite old, the Canyon itself is a fairly young feature. The oldest rocks at the canyon bottom are close to 2000 million years old. The Canyon itself - an erosional feature - has formed only in the past five or six million years. Geologically speaking, Grand Canyon is very young.   (top of page)

Are the oldest rocks in the world exposed at Grand Canyon?

No. Although the oldest rocks at Grand Canyon (2000 million years old) are fairly old by any standard, the oldest rocks in the world are closer to 4000 million years old. The oldest exposed rocks in North America, which are among the oldest rocks in the world, are in northern Canada. (top of page)

From the official Park Service Grand Canyon Website

Dynamic Earth

(Grades 4-6) During this five-hour geology program, students explore fossilized creatures from an environment 270 million years old and unravel the story of how Grand Canyon formed.

Teacher Resources

Archeological Resources
The oldest human artifacts found are nearly 12,000 years old and date to the Paleo-Indian period. There has been continuous use and occupation of the park since that time. Archeological remains from the following culture groups are found in Grand Canyon National Park: Paleo-Indian, Archaic, Basketmaker, Ancestral Puebloan (Kayenta and Virgin branches), Cohonina, Cerbat, Pai, Zuni, Hopi, Navajo, and Euro-American. The park has recorded over 4,800 archeological resources with an intensive survey of nearly 3% of the park area.

History & Culture

Now, I don't know what any individual park service managers, employees, or so-called "official guides" might have said to others, but there is no refusal to date the geology on the official website. (Veil's "official" status is murky. As near as I can tell, he's an official guide for a private company.) Show me documentation that Park Service "interpreters" are instructed to say anything other than the facts. Shame on Huffington for allowing this "article." It's hysterical journalism at its worst - easy to disprove, and based only on "facts" that are not much more than distortion and have been published for more than 2 years.

Personally, I find this kind of hysterical journalism (and reader reaction) annoying. Given that a BA appointee was fired from NASA not so long ago for actually doing something very similar, unfortunately gives this story far more credence than it's worth.

Should Grand Canyon: A Different View be offered in the museum's gift shop? Sure - why not - right along with Native American creation myths. Just make sure they're marked as such, and we have no problem. Ban it from being sold at all? Absolutely, if it's being touted as the truth, or is being sold in the science section.

Oh, and if you have any proof that the BA actually made or tried to make the Ark story the official version of how the Grand Canyon was created - bring it on. I love a good Mad Hatter war story as much as the next person.

Additional Reading:
Bad Theology & Bad Science
Foolish People

*This analogy was made in one of the articles on the PEER site. I thought it was a fun one.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

The 9/11 Changed Everything Lie

9/11 changed everything, he said, so we need to make some changes. We need to tap your phones if we want to, enter your house to search if we want to; we need to find out what you read if we want to, we need to put you in jail indefinitely if we want to, and not tell you why or ever bring you to trial if we want to. We need to torture your neighbor for information if we want to - oh, don't worry, we don't really torture anyone, but we reserve the right for the CIA to do so, because we want to. After all, you're an American, and Americans must be protected, he said. Most of us, anyway.

You can't tell anyone if you see us take your neighbor away though, nor tell your lawyer if we demand all your records. You can't call your lawyer if we detain you, or talk about why we did, even if we tell you the why. We won't call your lawyer for you, nor tell your family where you are. 9/11 changed everything, he said, and you don't want to help the terrorists now, do you?

We need to render the ghosts unavailable if we want to, hide away the bodies, both the live ones and the dead. Oh, don't worry. We won't do it on American soil. We know you wouldn't like that. We will have to put them both beyond the arms of the law, and the reach of the press. We're preserving democracy, you see, and this is what we want to do.

9/11 changed everything, you see. It changed us as Americans, it made us realize that individual freedoms are frivolous, and must be sacrificed for the common good, he said. No rights are inalienable, like the Bill of Rights promised. They're not, you know, they're completely alienable now, you see, because 9/11 changed everything. Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, all are at our whim, you see, because this is what we want for you.

You don't get up in the morning kiss your children and spouse goodbye and go to work anymore, you see, nor do you go Christmas shopping on Saturday, nor to the football game on Sunday. You don't drive to New Mexico to visit your sister, nor back to Iowa to bury your grandmother. You don't cry when that sappy Hallmark commercial comes on TV, or get sick to your stomach when you hear that another 10 marines have died in Fallujah, or Mosul, or Baghdad; or that more Abu Ghraib prison photos have surfaced. England is our ally, but Lynndie England acted nearly alone. We'll not show you the coffins at Dover, because this is not what we want you to see.

You don't feel guilty when you shop at Spencer Gifts for some stupid gag gift, when you know that there are children starving in India, or Bangladesh, or Darfur, or whatever the latest famine area of the world is. You don't run the risk of contracting AIDS, or of being diagnosed with cancer, or just coming down with a cold; the stars aren't as bright at night, and the Golden Arches aren't as golden as they once were, so we'll go to the moon instead, eating salads and chicken. Life doesn't go on as it once did, you see, because 9/11 changed everything.

Trust me, he said, I know what to do in a post 9/11 world. It will be hard work, he said, and it will put us to the test. I know what's good for you, he said, give me your tired quaint rights, and your poor sons and daughters, I have a war to send them to. Let me declare Victory aboard aircraft carriers, in airplane hangers, Marine encampments, and at rallies where the crowds have been pre-screened for presidential correctness. Let not my advisors tell me unwelcome news, he said, let them speak only of Victory, and Democracy, and God.

9/11 changed everything, you see, including that notion of seperation of church and state, he said. The First Congregational Unitarian Southern Baptist Church of Latter Day Saints and Apostles will help you out with some groceries next week in lieu of Food Stamps, he said. Go ye down to the 9th Ward, where you can earn $5.25 an hour for work on the levees. Let man and the Army Corps of Engineers put together what God and Katrina have torn asunder.

All the king's horses
And all the king's men,
Couldn't capture Osama bin Laden...

9/11 changed everything, you see, and for a brief moment in time, that was true. For 3,000 families it was forever. But then the clock started again, and as bad as it was to be attacked in this cowardly way, as much as it hurt our national psyche, and gained us rare international sympathy, as awful as it was to have our virginity ripped from us by three planes two towers and a pentagon, as much as we want to believe that we're better, or stronger, or braver, or smarter than we were, 9/11 changed nothing.

We grow up, we marry, we have children, we die. In between, we do all the things that we've always done. We live. We either do it well, or we do it badly. 9/11 changed nothing, you see, but our willingness - hopefully for an even briefer moment in time - to give up our personal liberties, while we were still feeling vulnerable, and wounded, and in pain. The pain has subsided, the wound is healing, and it's time to come to our senses, and remember what tyranny is all about.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Let's Get Ethical*!

I wanna get ethical, ethical!
C'mo-ooon let's get ethical!

President Bush has ordered White House staff to attend mandatory briefings beginning next week on ethical behavior and the handling of classified material after the indictment last week of a senior administration official in the CIA leak probe.

According to a memo sent to aides yesterday, Bush expects all White House staff to adhere to the "spirit as well as the letter" of all ethics laws and rules. As a result, "the White House counsel's office will conduct a series of presentations next week that will provide refresher lectures on general ethics rules, including the rules of governing the protection of classified information," according to the memo, a copy of which was provided to The Washington Post by a senior White House aide. WP

I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like
Making good conversation
I gotta handle you just right
You know what I mean
I gave you a good story tip
Then outed Wilson's wifey
There's nothing left to talk about
Unless it's marked "Eyes Only"

Let's get ethical, ethical
I wanna get ethical
Let's get into ethical
Let me hear that secret talk, that secret talk
Let me hear that secret talk
 
*sung to the tune of Olivia Newton John's Let's Get Physical

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Wanted: Looking for a Leader

Large first world nation seeking leader

Well established first world nation seeking leader to run country, and help re-establish international reputation. The United States of America is seeking a new leader. Contract term variable, four and eight year terms available, depending on performance. Energetic, detail-oriented individual with a proven track record preferred. Must be willing to seek and take advice of others. People, project, resource, & budget management exp. required.

Experience or familiarity with U.S law, policies and procedures related to the Geneva Conventions, and/or common human decency, international law and diplomacy, and 3 years supervisory experience desirable. (1)  No idealogues, please.

Some travel involved, must relocate to Washington DC. (2) Past record of employment will be scrutinized carefully.

The successful candidate must have the following provable qualities:

  • Integrity
  • Honesty
  • Experience in domestic issues, willingness to learn about foreign policy issues. (3) 
  • Must be able to read and write in the English language. Additional languages helpful, but not required.
  • More than 3 books in your personal library.
  • Experience trouble-shooting world-wide hot spots and diplomacy a plus.
  • Must be a team player. (3a)
  • Must be able to put aside personal agenda, and stick to the facts.
  • Ability to work well with others, including but not limited to: the UN, NATO, OAS, WTO, Fraternal Order of Squirrels, World Bank, NWS, Red Cross, Congress, CNN, Democrats, and Girl Scout Troup 121. (3b)

Is responsible for the overall defense & management of a large territory and population, stretching from sea to shining sea, and from the northernmost border of Mexico to the southernmost border of Canada. Some additional isolated areas such as Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, & Puerto Rico will also come under your territory of responsibility. Ask in cartography for specific locations of ancillary lands.

Main priorities include: world peace, health & welfare of American citizens,  economic stability, environmental responsibility. As a world leader, you will also be expected to apply the same standards of peace, health, welfare and environment to citizens of other countries that you apply to your own.

Large budget and workforce. Defense, Interior & State Departments, flag, motto, and fight songs provided. Homeland Security, Health & Human Services, Education Departments, enviromental condition & economy need work. International treaties in place, others to be negotiated.

The successful President will appoint others to positions within the government based on their qualifications, excluding other criteria or methods. (4) 

The successful President will set goals for the country and its people, and leave the internal management of other countries to them. S/he will improve conditions for its people and environment, in all areas including economic, social, scientific, and global.  (5)

This is a full-time position, but requires availability to respond outside of normal working hours.

Must swear to defend and uphold the Constitution. (6)

Benefits: Salary; perks including home and company-provided transportation, personal staff; four weeks of vacation per year, but only two may be taken consecutively - other two weeks must be taken seperately. Security clearance. Sick days pending. (7) Social Security benefits. (8) Secret Service protection for life, or five years, whichever is less. Wide-spread media coverage, and possibility of really cashing in economically and reputationally on your success after you leave office. Groupies a possibility.

(1) No, torture is not ok, neither is fabricating a case for warring on your neighbors.
(2) Must actually stay there some portion of the time, too.
(3) No "lone cowboys", please.
     (3a) Repeat that.
     (3b) Repeat that.
(4) Please see dictionary definitions for personal relationships & gain, cronyism, and nepotism.
(5) Basically, bub, leave the place in better condition than you found it, not worse.
(6) That doesn't mean change things around a bit to suit your needs.
(7) No sick days provided, until National Health Insurance has been provided for all. Sorry.
(8) Available at a rate not to exceed those offered to other citizens. You really are one of us, now.
 
[Permission to forward granted with attribution and source link only.]

Friday, November 04, 2005

Where's the outrage?

>> Are we so apathetic that we cannot work up outrage at being lied to, repeatedly?

Many are, yes. Many are also still deluded by the administration's lies. Ask the guys in maintenance if they think Iraq ought to be nuked in retaliation for 9/11. Yes, I know, but just ask.

>> torture... Have we, indeed sunk so low as to consider that these things are allowable

Apparently so. The Pentagon supports it, the CIA supports it, and the White House supports it. They hide away the prisoners, hide away their shame that they not only condone it, but arrange it, by having prisoners technically held by other countries who do not prohibit it.

>> The crime isn't in the mistakes, though, it is in allowing, in continuing to allow, our elected officials, many if not most of them, to continue to act in this fashion.

The media has been cowed or lulled into relative silence for 5 years. They're finally starting to wake up, but it took a hurricane to do it.

>> Where is the moral outrage at the lies and manipulation?

Here. In the blogs that were created as a foil to the media that failed in their fourth estate duties. In other places where liberal voices, and voices that prefer the truth can find to refuse to be cowed by the crooks who've taken over Washington and thrown god and sparklies in the faces of the people they're supposed to be serving - and protecting.

It's in Cindy Sheehan's protest, and the anti-war protests in Washington and other cities around the country.

It's in the action of Democrats fleeing Texas rather than being forced to vote in a crooked redistricting plan. It's in Ronnie Earle's indictment of Tom DeLay, and in Fitzgerald's of the fully grown man with the name of a child - Scooter, the VP's chief of staff.

It's in the lawsuit by the library that's protesting provisions of the Patriot Act that prohibit it from even saying who they are, and that they object to what they're being ordered to do.

It's in people like Richard Clarke, the former head of counter-terrorism for 3 presidents, including Bush, who stood up and said, "That's a lie."

It's in those so-called "activist judges", who are in our Honor Thread, who have stood up to the Bush administration and said, "No, you can't do that. All citizens have the right to legal council, to be charged with a crime or released, to a fair trial, to not be held indefinitely."

It's in organizations like Moveon.org, the ACLU, the Electronic Freedom Foundation.

It's in the broken voice of Ray Nagin, desperately crying, "We need help here!" as he watched his city drown. It's in the voices of the media and the people who said, "No, Brownie is NOT doing a heck of a job. Fire his ass!" It's even in Michael Chertoff, who listened.

Oddly, it's in the voices of the conservative Republicans who said, "Harriet who? She's no Supreme Court justice. Not on our watch."

It's in the voice of former POW and current Senator John McCain who said quite clearly, "No, torture is never ok, and I'm going to codify that. We're better than that, even if I have to remind you of it."

Where it's not, is in a single united voice in the Democratic Party. A united voice that could "throw the bums out."

Thursday, October 13, 2005

There's Absolutely No Evidence...

There's absolutely no evidence...
... that George Bush once persuaded Harriet Miers to remove "American Bandstand Watusi Dancer" from her resume.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

George Entertains Hurricane Refugees

It's Tuesday, August 30th, and your Prez is right there in New Orleans, playing and singing to entertain the multitudes that are sheltering in the Superdome.

Oops! Sorry, he's actually at Naval Base Coronado on Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005, where he's comparing himself to FDR during WWII

George chose a set of cheerful, uplifting songs, including "American Pie" and "I'm So Glad We Had This Time Together."

Here, he and Senator McCain were seen at their Monday afternoon "Hurricane Party." No one had the heart to tell him that Glendale, AZ wasn't in the path of the storm. 

Let them eat cake, I say! August 29, 2005, Glendale, AZ

Saturday, July 23, 2005

More From The Eleventy O'Clock News

The National Association of the Press (NAP,) the Old NewsGuy Network (ONN,) and the Freedom For The Press Foundation (FFPF) have joined together to create and require of all "real journalists," and their confidential sources, what's being referred to in some circles as the Fourth Estate Escape Clause. The new "Keep Me Free"™ confidential source agreement, now required of all tipsters, will indemnify, protect, hold harmess, and allow grand jury testimony for any journalist who publishes information to which they should not have been privvy, should have kept to themselves, or which violates national security, but for which they get nailed by the Feds. Anonymous sources will be required to sign the document, and have it notarized and signed by two Witnesses*, so as to protect their journalist "mouthpieces." The mega-convenience store chain, 7-11,  has agreed to provide notary services at a discounted price for the "Keep Me Free"™ initiative.

White House Inside-Outer, Karl Rove, has agreed to act as administrator for the initiative, and to release the identity of any confidential source who refuses to sign. This will be accomplished by virtue of the time-honored tradition of "leaks" through the administration's "Robert Novak" persona.

Every major news outlet in the country, both print and broadcast, has agreed to sign onto the "Keep Me Free"™ initiative. "Bloggers, need not apply," since they're "not real journalists" according to a statement released by the NAP-ONN-FFPF consortium.

© 2005 The Eleventy O'Clock News, where "nothing is real."

*See Wikipedia entry

Saturday, July 16, 2005

The Eleventy O'Clock News

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) (EX) has officially entered the Hot Coffee fray. This morning in Washington, the junior Senator from New York said she was calling on the Federal Trading Card Commission to "take immediate action to determine if the source of graphic pornographic content appearing on the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas video game and accompanying trading cards was the work of Lewinsky-like individuals, and/or Ken Starr."

Clinton joins the Entertainment Software Rationing Board (ESRB), The National Institute on Mooing and the Farm, and the Australian government's Office of Flim and Liturgical Classics (OFLC) who are all seeking to determine if the "Hot Coffee" is being served with or without bagels, in violation of the game's users' agreement.

Read The Eleventy O'Clock News, where "nothing is real."

Friday, June 24, 2005

On Gravity Cats

I'm working on a theory. It began to form in this morning's yellow dawn. You know the one I mean - when the sky is all a pale shade of yellow, filtered by high clouds. No cool orange or pink, just that weird golden glowing yellow. Maybe it was the sleepiness, maybe it was the glowing atmosphere, maybe it was just the extreme relief of making it to the bathroom just in time.

I think that my cat is stealing my gravity.

I had a bad day two days ago. It was hard to walk. My specific and personal gravity seemed about 20% higher than normal, which was just enough to throw me over the edge. Everything ached, and any position other than prone on the couch was nearly impossible. Okay, so I'd worked 15 hours already by that point. I didn't do anything different than normal - only one or two trips out to production during the day, not the 5 or 6 that can really lay me low on a busy day. So there I was, lying on the couch, trying to get up enough energy and reverse this gravity increase enough to go upstairs to bed. Generally, Max, my Maine Coon cat, will jump up, and lay himself out on me full length. He doesn't sit in laps - absolutely refuses. But if I'm lying down, he plasters himself, from my knee to mid-chest, stretched out, and happy. Night before last, he just looked at me when I invited him up. Odd. I never did go upstairs that night, I ended up staying on the couch, because it was, frankly, just so much easier. 

Yesterday, I was fine, mostly. Gravity was back to normal, I didn't ache, and I was movin' pretty well for an old gal with crunchy knees. I could still feel the residuals of the gravity increase from the day before. I knew that at any time, things could reverse, and I'd be right back where I was.

So that brings us to today, and you're probably wondering why I think that Max is stealing my gravity. This morning, I hobbled down the stairs to use the bathroom. I hate the one upstairs - it was built under the eaves of the house, and it's TINY! This morning it was a race whether gravity was going to win, or I was. As I passed the window in the pantry, I saw Max stretched out full length, standing at the window to let me know he'd endured the indignity of spending the night outside, and that I should let him in immediately. Too bad, cat, gravity's taking over, I'll get you in a minute when I'm finished!

Now, I have this bad habit I should mention. I tend to not close the bathroom door all the way when I know that no one's around. I dunno, it's just something dumb I do. Hubby's upstairs sound asleep, and won't be up for another hour. Son's in his room, sound asleep, and believe me, nothing will get him up until sometime after 10 a.m. this morning. So I'm essentially alone in the house, or so it feels. The cats always take advantage of this opportunity of open door and sitting person to come and greet me, and say good morning. Remember, Max is a Maine Coon cat, so yes, he really does say good morning. Real words - honest. Just ask Cane - she'll tell you.

In comes Tessa the kitten to say her good mornings. She rubs against my legs, arches her tail way forward, receives her pats, and then she wanders off to see if there's any water dripping in the shower she can play with. In comes Max, who stalks into the room, rubs against my legs, and rather than saying good morning as is his usual, just gives me a backwards glare as he struts out of the room.

Wait.

Max is outside. I left him at the pantry window, with promises that I'd let him in in a minute. It's been less than that. There's no way to get in the house, no open windows without screens. Hubby's still upstairs - I'd hear it if he'd gotten up. Son's still in his room, sound asleep. There's no one else in the house. If there was a way in, Max would have used it before, instead of standing at the window demanding that I let him in.

Damn cat. He must have stolen my gravity the other day, and used it to get in the house this morning. And this time, he let me see it, just to taunt me.

Where's my Heinlein books?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Beside the Asides

Did you happen to see "Biography" the week they did "bios" of TV game shows? Vanna White wasn't the first letter turner, and certainly not the most interesting.

Though I can't find any mention of those shows on the Biography site, (which, btw, seems now to have bought out the www.biography.com url from the former owners, which is probably best, but I thought it was really nice of them to always have a link to it anyway down in the corner,) this being the internet, where everyone has a fan page, you can read about Susan Stafford and Chuck Woolery here. (This site, btw, was created by a moderately interesting young guy that seems to be involved in game show development and television production, but graduated with a BA in Economics from Harvard. His chatty blog is well-written, and fun, though since I watch so little television, I'm clueless most of the time about his subject matter. No matter - they guy went to Harvard, and is a writer, and his natural abilities show through.)

Check Susan Stafford's "resume" page on her website for a list of accomplishments. MA & PhD in clinical psychology, public relations, motivational speaker, acting, writer & producer, hosting (7-1/2 years as the cohostess on Wheel of Fortune, as well as radio shows, and guest host shots,) and charity work. No telling how many times she was married, but once to a Texas millionaire, for a few years to Dick Ebersol (the TV sports producer guy [married to Susan St. James, whom I always loved to watch on tv] that was in a plane crash here in Colorado four months ago; his younger son [and the pilot and a flight attendant] was killed - they named a ski slope after him, "Teddy's Way"... ) but that didn't turn out so well, she pulled a gun on him, and well, you know how husbands are about that sort of thing.

Aside from how *many* things she's done, the part I find most interesting is her "Goodwill Ambassador to the World" title and work. Who gave her that title? Who knows... but it looks to me, like this is one accomplished lady. Working with leprosy patients, counseling WTC and Columbine survivors and families, supporting research into AIDS & sickle cell anemia.

This is no vapid "letter turner." But... I'm sure Vanna does all that she can, poor girl.

<g>

 

Saturday, March 26, 2005

The 7/8 Solution

I have the solution to 7/8 of the political turmoil in this country.

Damn, you say! Could Fortuna actually have a decent idea?

Will this be the knob on the Tardis that finally makes me vote for her as Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy?

You see, it's not the fact that Democrats are a bunch of kumbayahs, it's not the fact that Republicans are assholes, it's that we're trying to force 33 pounds of shit in a 30 pound box. That extra three pounds has nearly been the death of us...

The solution, Fortuna, the solution! Get with it, and stop with the homilaic metaphors! Or whatever that's called.

We don't have a two party system in the U.S., we don't even have Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. Or Green Partys, or Socialists, or whatever. We have a three party system, and it's time to stop lying and kidding ourselves about it. It's time for voters and politicians to be honest about who they are, and what they want.

This, then, is the real answer, the solution to the deep strife, the wedge that's being driven between what used to be a reasonable system, and reasonable people:

The Christian Right Wing Party do-di-do-do-duh-do-do-di-do... (think Jeopardy singing in your head...)

Hmm... ok, so silence generally means, "Fortuna, you're full of shit, but I'm too polite to tell you so."

And here I thought that either my brilliance at figuring this out, or my dimwittedness at only now figuring it out would elicit at least a sneer or two.

It's not the Democrats that should be pissed off at the deep political split in this country, it's the Republicans. And it's not the Democrats they should be pissed off at, it's those who've hijacked their party - the X+> (Christian Right.)

  • Since when do Republicans believe in government interfering in people's lives?
  • Since when do Republicans believe in a central government overriding state's rights?
  • Since when do Republicans believe in crippling national debt, or giving up their individual freedoms?

Are we on the verge, then, of a swap of ideals?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Trembling in Anticipation

Sometimes, you find something online that makes you tremble with anticipation of hours of delight. This blog entry from Fictionalart just did it for me:

The New York Public Library has unveiled a browsable, searchable online image trove that includes hundreds of thousands of images - illuminated manuscripts, historical maps, rare prints and photographs, posters, drawings and plenty more.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Toy Fair: Delusions of Childhood

What's hot at New York's annual toy fair? Well, Barbie of course, who goes Hollywood this year, but...

If Barbie isn't your daughter's cup of tea, she might appreciate Serpentina, who has a pierced lower lip, pet cobras named Ted and John Wayne, and a strong dislike for the smell of burning hair.

Serpentina is part of the Bleeding Edge collection of 12-inch Glam Goth Dolls, all dressed like trashy vampires, retailing for $24 each. Her friend Storm O. Misery offers this tip on meditation: "I sit in the middle of an electrical storm and channel my dead pets."

Meet Serpentina Maria Sangria from the Bleeding Edge line of Glam Goth Dolls. (Bleeding Edge)

I think Wednesday Addams would be fond of Serpentina - especially if she could add more piercings at will. Or, how about this little gem from Strugglez (I can see why they named their company that - they be struggling for a decent concept...)

Meet Puddles and Ca-Ca and Poo-P, three of the newest potty-training assistants. They're mascots from the Strugglez product line to help your kid graduate from diapers by transforming your toilet into a bunny, giraffe or puppy dog.

Each $20 potty pal comes with an animal head that fits over the toilet tank, complete with floppy ears, a smiling face, bushy tail. Puddles, Ca-Ca and Poo-P promise to be there when your little tyke hears nature call.

ABC

There are advantages to having teenagers. :)

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

The Gigapxl Project

Physicist Graham Flint is working on an ultra-high-resolution portrait of America -- a series of gigantic, gigapixel images taken with a custom camera made from bits and pieces of decommissioned Cold War hardware. Armed with a self-designed camera he crafted from parts of spy planes and nuclear reactors, Flint is crisscrossing America, taking thousands of pictures of cities, monuments and national parks. Wired.com story
Link to the Gigapixl Project website & gallery.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

He said, he said, he said, he said

The saga of Ward Churchill. Read all about it. What he said that got him into such trouble, what he said in response to media reports, what the Governor of Colorado said, what the Chancellor of CU said. Churchill really does try very hard to "justify" his writings.

Finally, I have never characterized all the September 11 victims as "Nazis." What I said was that the "technocrats of empire" working in the World Trade Center were the equivalent of "little Eichmanns." Adolf Eichmann was not charged with direct killing but with ensuring the smooth running of the infrastructure that enabled the Nazi genocide. Similarly, German industrialists were legitimately targeted by the Allies. It should be emphasized that I applied the "little Eichmanns" characterization only to those described as "technicians." Thus, it was obviously not directed to the children, janitors, food service workers, firemen and random passers-by killed in the 9-1-1 attack. According to Pentagon logic, were simply part of the collateral damage. Ugly? Yes. Hurtful? Yes. And that's my point. It's no less ugly, painful or dehumanizing a description when applied to Iraqis, Palestinians, or anyone else. If we ourselves do not want to be treated in this fashion, we must refuse to allow others to be similarly devalued and dehumanized in our name.

Governor puts just the right amount of "moral outrage" into his letter to Republican alumni.

All decent people, whether Republican or Democrat, liberal or conservative, should denounce the views of Ward Churchill. Not only are his writings outrageous and insupportable, they are at odds with the facts of history. The thousands of innocent people - and innocent they were - who were murdered on September 11 were murdered by evil cowards.

Chancellor strikes just the right note of "due process."

Even as the debate continues, we must understand the serious nature of actions to terminate or suspend a professor on the basis of conduct that includes political speech.

Before such a decision could be made, the University must observe due process as required by the U.S. Constitution and the Laws of the Regents. We must have faith in our processes to guide our actions in the most thoughtful and equitable manner.

Therefore, today I announce a course of action that will provide due process, as well as help us understand the boundaries of our most fundamental protections as citizens and faculty members.

Within the next 30 days, the Office of the Chancellor will launch and oversee a thorough examination of Professor Churchill's writings, speeches, tape recordings and other works.

The purpose of this internal review is to determine whether Professor Churchill may have overstepped his bounds as a faculty member, showing cause for dismissal as outlined in the Laws of the Regents.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Of Saints & Scarecrows

Tell me that L. Frank Baum didn't see this painting at least once in his life! Sano di Pietro (Italian, active by 1428–81) Saint Anthony Abbot Tormented by Demons, ca. 1435; Tempera and gold on panel, 18 11/16 x 13 1/2 in. (47.5 x 34.3 cm) Posted by Hello Yale Art Gallery