More From The Eleventy O'Clock News

The National Association of the Press (NAP,) the Old NewsGuy Network (ONN,) and the Freedom For The Press Foundation (FFPF) have joined together to create and require of all "real journalists," and their confidential sources, what's being referred to in some circles as the Fourth Estate Escape Clause. The new "Keep Me Free"™ confidential source agreement, now required of all tipsters, will indemnify, protect, hold harmess, and allow grand jury testimony for any journalist who publishes information to which they should not have been privvy, should have kept to themselves, or which violates national security, but for which they get nailed by the Feds. Anonymous sources will be required to sign the document, and have it notarized and signed by two Witnesses*, so as to protect their journalist "mouthpieces." The mega-convenience store chain, 7-11,  has agreed to provide notary services at a discounted price for the "Keep Me Free"™ initiative.

White House Inside-Outer, Karl Rove, has agreed to act as administrator for the initiative, and to release the identity of any confidential source who refuses to sign. This will be accomplished by virtue of the time-honored tradition of "leaks" through the administration's "Robert Novak" persona.

Every major news outlet in the country, both print and broadcast, has agreed to sign onto the "Keep Me Free"™ initiative. "Bloggers, need not apply," since they're "not real journalists" according to a statement released by the NAP-ONN-FFPF consortium.

© 2005 The Eleventy O'Clock News, where "nothing is real."

*See Wikipedia entry

The Eleventy O'Clock News

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) (EX) has officially entered the Hot Coffee fray. This morning in Washington, the junior Senator from New York said she was calling on the Federal Trading Card Commission to "take immediate action to determine if the source of graphic pornographic content appearing on the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas video game and accompanying trading cards was the work of Lewinsky-like individuals, and/or Ken Starr."

Clinton joins the Entertainment Software Rationing Board (ESRB), The National Institute on Mooing and the Farm, and the Australian government's Office of Flim and Liturgical Classics (OFLC) who are all seeking to determine if the "Hot Coffee" is being served with or without bagels, in violation of the game's users' agreement.

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